Love Life

So, It's June 10th 2009, As of a week ago me and Brad aren't talking or anything anymore...It's the best thing because he has done nothing but use me for every little thing that he needed done to him and for him. I've been hanging out with a GREAT guy (just as friends nothing else.) He is a wonderful guy...He just got out of a marriage where he had been married for 9 or 1o yrs and I pretty much just got out of a relationship that lasted 2 yrs. This guy is sooooo AMAZING! I don't expect him to jump into a relationship because of the divorce and I honestly don't want to jump into anything right away...We both need time to heal and all that stuff. I've liked him every since I was like 10 and now we are becoming really good friends. We are helping each other through our hard times. And that's really what we both need right now is someone to lean on and help each other through all of it the best that we know how!! He doesn't push anything on me and I don't push anything on him and it's AWESOME!!!!!!! When I'm with him, I don't even think about Brad and I like that!!!!!!!! I need to move on with my life without thinking about him and try to live my life the best way I know how without him even though it is really really hard right now. I hope he has a great life even though I'm really hurt at him and upset at him for everything that he has done to me in the last 2 yrs!!! I'll always love him but there comes a time where enough is enough and you can't take anymore!!!! And I'm sick and tired of being hurt and heartbroken from it all...Everytime I turned the corner there he was to hurt me once again. And no I'm not putting it all off on him...I was stupid for going back. So I set myself up for it a few times but most of it was him! All he needed to say was leave me alone but no he wanted to keep calling me and texting me and wanting to see me all the time....I didn't understand it and I still don't!!! I'll never know! He kept telling me he loved me and all that BULLSHIT and why in the heck do you want to tell someone you love them if you really don't?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I don't get that at all! He's 3o yrs old and he should be a big enough man to step it up on something like that RIGHT????? Right!!! He's 30 and acts like he's still in his teens!!!! GRRRRR.....I hate hate hate men like that!!!! I've learned my lesson on that one. I learned the hard way but it will NEVER happen again! The shield is up and it will not come back down for ALONG time!!!!

Life- Love Life Maybe...I dunno.

Here it is Friday March 13th 2009, My life is still as chaotic as ever....I'm still not in a relationship and I want to be in one OoO so very bad!!! There's this guy that I have fallen inlove with almost 2 yrs ago. I love him with all my heart and I would do anything for him....Last night was a very mixed emotion process for me....I stayed with him and I went to Dunlap, TN with him and on the way back he says "see that is how I want my girl to dress and look everyday." I literally bit my tongue so I wouldn't say "Why are you telling me this for, You don't love me and don't care about me." I don't honestly know what to think from this point on!!! I was laying in the bed with him and I was rubbing his back so he could go to sleep and I THOUGHT he was asleep so I rolled over and all of a sudden I feel him right up against me and his arm comes around the side of me and pulls me closer to him. So I do what I usually do and pull his arm up and intertwine my fingers in his....PERFECT MATCH....but anyways.....his thumb is right there at my face and he all of a sudden starts rubbing my face with his thumb!!! I'm thinking to myself what the hell even tho I had a HUGE smile on my face!!! Ok....Someone tell me something please....I really don't know what to think about anything.......Brandie you know more about this situtation than anyone what do you think???????????

~^~^~Wondering~^~^~

Most of the time you always wonder HOW and WHY! Why does this happen to me and how does this always happen to me? It's always always a horrible feeling...But you have to go on and live your life how it should be to your knowledge. You always wonder...Why did I fall inlove with this person and Why! Well, You know why in the beginning and then you get to know the person very well and it's like OMG, What happened here! Why did I fall inlove with him, Why did I want to be with him! Then you sit and think and think of a way to break it off but you just can't seem to say the words because you're so lost inlove that nothing really ever matters except to be with them! You sit and think to yourself I know this isn't going to work why am I still hanging on!?!?!? Why didn't I just take the hint 13 months before!?!?! And just end it there and go on with my life without hurting and killing myself with the sorrow and the pain that I feel every single day that has pain and the days that come? It's a horrible feeling! I hate it! Someone just wants to find that ONE guy that she can trust and have faith in. And him love her for who she is! She needs to find that one guy that loves her forever and that will do anything for her...And she do the same in return! Love is NOT all about sex! It's not all about just getting along. You have to trust and be faithful and balance everything in the relationship together! One person can't just do it alone! You have to work together and she found that out the hard way! It was just a HORRIBLE mistake that hopefully will NEVER happen again! You know you still have alot of feelings for the D.A. and you wish that you didn't that way you could really for sure move on with your life and love someone else and try to have something real that you know will work because BOTH of you want to work at the relationship. Love isn't the thing that hurts you the most! It's the person that you were with that treated you BADLY! And you want to just go beat the shit out of them but you know it won't do any good. Or make anything better....It might make you feel better for the moment but after everything is said and done, You always feel bad about it! Blah! I'm just SICK and TIRED of all the game playing! I want someone that IS GOING to mature enough to know what he really wants and doesn't lie about anything.....I mean if you just want sex, Hey, Just say I want sex, I don't want a relationship.....If you don't want just sex say sorry dude, I'm looking for a relationship, not just a FUCK buddy! And go your seperate way!

~*~Great Night~*~

So, I went an seen a friend that I haven't really spoken to seen I was like little bitty LOL.....I was a great night! We just sat around and talked and all that good stuff....He was drinking and just having a good time! He lives with another one of my past friends. Which I didn't know that until I pulled up in the driveway! Which is cool, Just wasnt expecting this guy! Yea, But it was all good! Not going to use the real names....So the guy that I was going to see I'll just call him Bo. And the other I'll call Jack. LOL.....Anywho, Bo is 10 yrs older than I am...I use to go to church with him and my mother use to work with his mother! How crazy?!?!? LOL. I've always always had a HUGE crush on him! And last night I finally had the nerve to go to his house and see him after several yrs. It was GREAT! I was a little nervous the whole night, If I had been drinking I would have probably felt alittle more comfy and lossened up more...I'm a very very SHY person! He knows that I am! But that still didn't really help anything lol.......I want to get to know him alil better because he's a really sweet person over all! I'd date him in a heartbeat. But I'd love to get to know him alil better......Oh and Jack lol......Boy do we have a past!!! CRAZINESS!!!!!!!! I was stuned when Bo told me that he was living with Jack at the current moment.....So, That was a little awkward should I say! I mean nothing to dramatic happened but still alittle messed up lol....But I like Jack he's a really cool person! And make you laugh let me tell ya! It was awesome! They both sat there and was telling some crazy ass stories. But I had the best time in a long time last night!

Love Life

So Here it is January 29 at 11;43 pm. I probably should be sleeping right now but since Christmas night my sleep has been messed up. I never go to bed till like 3 and 4 in the morning. I've lost the love of my life because his a butthead! I've waited for 22 yrs to be happy and I found that August of 07 and now here I am depressed and all. Can't sleep don't want to go anywhere or do anything at all anymore! I was really happy with this person and he admits to me that he is just using me for whatever he can get and that he doesn't love me or anything like that! It floored me when he told me all of that, after a year and some odd months. He was the perfect man until he admitted to everything. It broke my heart, I still cry to this day about it because I loved him so much and for some odd crazy reason I still love him even tho I've said some things to him that made him mad and he wont talk to me anymore! I guess all I can say is what goes around comes around! Right? I mean all I did was love him and care for him. I washed his clothes every single day, I had supper cooked everyday when he came home from work! I rubbed his back his legs and his feet every single night before he went to bed! He lied to me and told me he loved me! And my life hasn't been the same since! I don't know how to make it better. I'm in a depression mode and sometimes I don't even want to work on it and try to make it better because I'm afraid that another guy will come along and do the samething that he has done to me!
I love him so much. I know deep down that he loves me because when I seen him for a little while, he didn't want me to go. He kept hugging me and kissing me like he was losing me forever or something! I dont know what else to do. I don't want to wait because I don't want to miss out on anything else in my life! I'm ill all the time because I'm not with him anymore and it's sad because I have a family that loves me and a nephew that wants me to do things with him and I just don't feel like doing any of that because I want him back in my life! It's all a bunch of craziness!!! I've never had my heart broken like this before in my life! I don't understand alot of things!